The 2005 remake of "King Kong" starts out very strong, establishing its characters well, setting up some plot threads, and providing a few humorous moments for good measure. Some think it takes too long (about an hour) to get to the island where Kong lives. I disagree, because when the film does arrive at the island, the moment when things should really be "getting good", it's also the moment that the film falls apart. Its most interesting plot threads are dropped, all sense of verisimilitude is lost, and Peter Jackson starts to come across as a kid right out of film school who is determined to use every cinematic technique he learned regardless of whether it actually has a place in the film or not (excessive slow motion and an altogether unnecessary voiceover are his biggest sins).
While "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" was never in danger of being a particularly good movie, it was at least watchable and somewhat entertaining for its first several minutes. The trait it shares with "King Kong" is that the moment it starts to go downhill can be precisely pinpointed as the moment that it's meant to start picking up steam. In this case it's with the introduction of the titular turtles. Until that point the film has at least had a bit of mystery going for it, providing a through line as Megan Fox's character of April O'Neill investigates a series of thefts and how they may be related to research her father had been involved in. While Fox doesn't turn in an Oscar caliber performance, this isn't exactly Shakespeare--she's doing fine with the material she's given and I get the sense that most people knocking her performance had their minds made up about it before seeing the film. William Fichtner is also a welcome presence, reliably bringing as much weight as possible to his undercooked role.
If the film had proceeded similarly to its first fifteen minutes or so, it would have been a middle of the road film that I'd probably have enjoyed a little more than I should have, but would have forgotten about within a few weeks. Unfortunately this level of mediocrity manages to elude the film the moment the turtles are introduced. They bring a completely new and different energy to the film, which in many cases would be a good thing, but not here. They are over the top and jarring, constantly making jokes, but with a shockingly low hit to miss ratio. Their constant banter (with aspirations of wit) probably results in hundreds of jokes and sarcastic comments throughout the film, but I don't think I cracked a smile more than twice. For a little while, the original storyline with Fox and Fichtner continues on its own, intercut with the turtles' scenes. It feels like going back and forth between two different movies (I'll give you one guess which one is better). Pretty soon, however, the two plots come together and the film is irretrievably lost. The villain's plan is ridiculous in its idiocy, the action sequences are nothing but eye candy (when they even manage to achieve that), and the tonal dissonance between the (lazy) drama and the (bad) comedy is a constant distraction.
Despite initial flirtations with mediocrity, "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" quickly fails to live up to its early "promise".
D+
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